I am thankful for a God who sees my heart and loves me anyway, who cares enough to comfort me when I cry, who picks me up when I fail, who drives away my deepest fears, who welcomes me back with open arms, who refreshes my spirit, who catches every tear, who never sees me and wishes I were someone else, who made me just the way I am and still considers me part of a masterpiece, who knew me before I existed, who chose to form me knowing my imperfections, who loves me enough to never leave, who watches over me with protection, who let me be a part of His wonderful plan, who knows my deepest desires, who listens to me when I complain and beg for something different; I am thankful for a Savior who loved me enough to die for me.

Things that annoy me about myself

1. I overanalyze everything, including text messages.
2. I care way to much about being a good person, someone everyone likes.
3. I have way too much anxiety. The slight inclination that someone is mad at me, annoyed with me, or doesn’t like me ruins my whole day. In fact it causes me to have something on the lines of an anxiety attack.

Wow this is my first blog in months. I don’t know why I stopped writing because I love it, but for the past few months I have had the longest “writer’s block.” I just couldn’t find the words to say or a way to open up my heart. I am done with school, and I have never felt so relieved, but at the same time God has revealed such a passion in my heart for school. I don’t know if it’s because I crave to give my very best for him or if it’s because I can clearly see Him at work in my life. He began this work in my heart my first year at Passion, and it has come full circle. Over the course of the last few weeks in March, my heart has found such joy from the Lord. I would be sitting in class and all of a sudden be so excited and overwhelmed with emotion from the Lord about the work He was doing. I am reminded of the verse “I willl boast all the more in my weaknesses.. for when I am weak you are strong.” His grace really is sufficient for me everyday. He has without a doubt shown me that over the past year and within the last semester. It is when I can’t do something that God shows up and says HE CAN! He is my maker.. and I am his workmanship. I have no other purpose outside of Him. He is truly what keeps me going each day. In talking about this, I couldn’t type fast enough. It is what moves my heart and gives it hope.

Lord, let this summer be one of passion and growth. Let it be one of prayer, honesty, and commitment. I don’t know what lies ahead, but I know that I will find rest in your grace, presence, and sovereignty. God, teach me in a way that I have never been taught before. Speak to me in a way that I have never heard You. Help me to listen and to hear You. Give me Your eyes to see and Your ears to hear. Let us become One.

Thankful for songs that play while on shuffle. God really spoke to my heart through this song at freshman youth camp.

Obviously I haven’t blogged in awhile; honestly because I haven’t known what to say or how to express it. Somehow I have become a very hestitant person both with my actions and feelings, but I cannot deny the way my heart has been screaming the past few weeks. Doors have been reopened and I have slowly began to admit it to myself and in return I have created a very dark and burdening cloud in my life. God, help me.

I cannot express my hunger for God and His holy Word. I cannot not get enough of Him, and I love it! I am overwhelmed with a feeling of discomfort and of longing. I know that I am called to so much more. I am called beyond this world of comfort, pleasure, and luxury. I still have a strong passion to pursue nursing overseas, to help children and people in need. But I know that right now, God has granted me time to prepare and grow in His word like never before. I was truly convicted at Passion about the power of the Bible. Everytime I am faced with a hard decision or tough circumstance, I go to every other source other than His word. I am not called to this, and it is my prayer that I would not make this mistake again.

“For if you remain silent at this time, relief and delieverance for the Jews will arise from another place, but you and your father’s family will perish. And who knows but that you have come to royal position for such a time as this?” -Esther 4:14

“Some crises are too important for saving face. Saving lives is worth losing face every time. When was the last time you had to risk losing face to try to save something more precious than pride?”

I am easily sucked into routines and comfort, and by nature I do not take risks readily. Much of the time I am quiet in voicing my opinions and to my fault my faith when it is not easily brought up. BUT Christ has placed me in this season of life beyond reasons that I can see. So who knows? Who knows what God is doing in and around my life. Every area of my life is a mission field meant to be fought in the name of Jesus. When God asks me why I did not take action, fear will not suffice as an answer. It’s time to step up even if that means being attacked or getting out of my comfort zone. Because if I don’t take the opportunities Christ gives me in order to further His kingdom, he’ll give them to someone else who will.

God has placed me exactly where I am for a purpose and being in school is apart of that plan. I have to be constantly reminded to learn with excellence rather than wasting a time in my life that is to be used for His glory. Learning and school holds much more value for me than test scores and grades. It is preparation, it is discipline, and it is to be appreciated. It is a stepping stone that God has graciously given me so that I can embark on the journey that He has mapped out for me. Right now, my heart is for serving people. My heart yearns to love people and to leave behind money and status. I desire to become a nurse one day and to become involved with medical missions. This year has been the most difficult academically and by far the most stressful. Strangely though, I have had more of a peace this semester than any other, although, my grades are not what I had hoped. But my faith rests upon God’s plan for my life. I rest assured that his timing is perfect even in the midst of nursing applications and interviews. I am praying that I will get into the nursing program, but if I don’t God is soverign and I will keep working for His glory.Worrying about grades and stressing about tests only distract me from ultimately giving Christ glory.

“Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men” Col. 3:23

God has replayed this verse over and over in my head as I spend hours studying for my finals. Learning is not something I should do because I have to or to pass the time. Everything should be done to give Him glory. I shouldn’t complain about school, I should give thanks.

Last night I lied awake wondering about my life and how it has changed over the last few months. Things were stripped away, hearts were broken, but joy was restored. I stood and worshipped to a song tonight that reminded me of it all. I remembered listening to it when my heart was in pain, but in that moment I stood joyful and in awe of His hand on every circumstance. I am confused, tired, and lost, but I stand confident that He who began a good work in me will see it finished. I don’t know how things got this way, but I lean not on my own understanding but in the hope that my actions would be glorfying to the One whose opinion does matter and to the only One I should strive to please.

“Even the darkness is not dark to You. And the night is as bright as the day. Darkness and light are alike to You.” -Psalm 139:12

“Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love, for I have put my trust in you. Show me the way I should go, for to you I lift up my soul.” -Psalm 143:8

“Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.” -Hebrews 12:2

Father,

Thank you for telling me it’s okay when I am scared to death. Guide me Lord for I am blind and do not know the way. Open the eyes of my heart that I might clearly see You.

O Lord, “Open my eyes so that I may see.” -Psalm 119:18

It’s days like today that I just feel like quitting and giving up all together. I felt sick, shakey, and restless. The pressures of school and relationships all came down on me. There wasn’t a thought that didn’t make me nervous and anxious.

I was reminded of His calling and the purpose of my life. It’s truly and painfully evident that I would not be here today if not for Christ. Prainful because my heart hurts for those  who don’t have Christ. I cannot imagine my life without His constant comfort, strenth, and love to keep me going. He saves me every single day.

I am encouraged when my mind and body tell me otherwise. My heart is kept alive with the joy that Christ’s brings. I am scared and am hurting over circumstances in my life that will only make sense with time.

Lord, open my eyes to see your will for my life…today. Everything I was, everything I am, and everything I will be, I lay at the foot of the cross.